


started with not wanting to open up and ended with an implied suicide

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Open to Interpretation, Trans Male Character, Trans Morality | Patton Sanders, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27654506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Patton shouldn't open up with people and bother them, but.. it's okay, because now he might not get the chance.
Kudos: 6





	started with not wanting to open up and ended with an implied suicide

**Author's Note:**

> TWS: YELLING, PARENT WITH IMPLIED ANGER ISSUES (DAD), MENTION/ TALK OF PAST OD AS A SUICIDE ATTEMPT, UNHEALTHY MINDSET, MENTION OF THE R SLUR (SAYS: "the r-slur"), NUMBERS/CALORIE NUMBER (BRIEF), SLIGHT COMPETITIVE MENTAL ILLNESS
> 
> i think that's all, but lmk if i missed one! 
> 
> <3!!

Patton can't get attached.

He shouldn't get attached. 

He can not get attached.

He most definitely should not get attached.

It'd just break whatever they had.

That's why all his other friendships fell apart.

It's always goes like that, he gets attached, he opens up, the other person gets annoyed with him and any feelings that had about him were gone within days. 

He can't open up.

Patton shouldn't open up.

He really, really fucking shouldn't.

He should not.

No.

No.

He can't.

He can't lose them, he just got them back in July. 

July 18th, the day his life was thrown for a loop. 

Just the week before, he was in the middle of a depressive episode, and the night of the 17th he almost attempted suicide.

He had the pill bottle in his hand.

Patton doesn't know how long he was sitting there, on his grandma's couch, with the dull stinging of the deep cuts on his thighs, and now- his arms.

He had started to cut on his arms again that night, in an attempt to calm himself down enough.

He dropped the pill bottle.

He picked his razor up, and slashed into his wrist like his life depended on it.

In this case -- _and unbeknownst to him, in every case after that_ \-- it did. 

He'd pick up the pills at a later date.

Right now, he felt okay. 

Patton was on that post-cut high, and the thrill of cutting on his wrist ( _which he had not done since January_ ) was carrying him pretty far.

He'd crash soon enough.

Or maybe not.

He went about his night after that, after making sure blood wasn't running down his body like a madman, he got an ice cream bar and scrolled through TikTok.

That's how it would go until his grandma got up, and he went to get a drink in the kitchen.

Seeing his grandma made his eyes well up with tears.

How could leave her? How could he make her be the one to find his lifeless corpse, and so soon after she did the very same to her husband? 

How cruel could Patton be?

The next few hours would go by with him being pretty emotionally numb.

Next thing he knew, his father was picking him up.

Patton had to remind himself to be careful when reaching out for anything.

The absolute _last_ thing he wanted was for his sleeve to roll up and show his cuts.

His parents would go crazy, and it really wouldn't be a pretty scenario for anyone.

It's best if Patton kept things like this secret.

Especially to his parents.

They're not exactly the nicest people in the world.

They're not exactly nice at all.

Yeah, they raised him, but really - just how much did they actually do? 

They put a roof over his head, feed him, and makes sure he goes to school.

That's about the end of their kindness.

They were never there for him emotionally, they never made him feel comfortable or safe, they never made him feel like they could be trusted, they never made him anything but terrible.

They tore him down at almost every opportunity.

Any interaction with his parents wasn't a good one.

Sometimes he'd go days without eating or using the bathroom out of actual _fear_ of running into his parents. 

His father ( _he stopped calling him 'dad' a long time ago because he felt like he didn't deserve that title_ ) especially loved ruining his already unstable mental health. 

Once, Patton didn't understand a math problem so he asked his mom ( _at least she tries to be an okay parent_ ) for help.

The issue is that his father was in the living room ( _his parents had them do school work in the living room for some gosh forsaken reason, and his mental health was severally suffering from it_ ) and can't seem to grasp the fact that his input isn't wanted or else he would've been asked, so he butted in.

After Patton told him the equation, his father said, oh so helpfully, "Are you that much of a fucking-" he said the r-slur, which no one in their household has any right to use and which Patton isn't comfortable to so much as think, "-to not understand something as simple as this?!" 

".. yes? That's.. why I asked for help?" Patton responded, before he could stop himself.

Ugh, Patton hated that sometimes his parents got so.. so.. annoying that he couldn't stop himself from talking back and being rude. 

He hated that he was stupid enough to not even be able to stop himself from saying it, either.

"You should know this already! Don't you ever pay attention in class?" 

"I try to, yeah--" but Patton was cut off by his father, "Don't fucking talk back to me!" And then his father went on and on, rambling about how incredibly utterly braindead Patton must be, for at least an hour.

It was fine though, because Patton learned this cool little trick: he could force himself into a sort of willful dissociative state while being yelled at.

Which he felt was majorly disrespectful, but then again, he didn't have much respect left for his father in the first place.

Oh, and in another instance of his father being how he is: Patton had just came out of his room, it was 4:51 in the afternoon and he hadn't eaten all day.

Once he was in the kitchen, he got a small packet of animal crackers and, despite knowing the calories because he's had them so many times, checked the back for calories. For peace for mind, he guesses.

While he was doing that, his father had walked in.

"Oh look, it's the girl!" A regular greeting from him, but it still hurt nonetheless. 

He wasn't a girl, but he can't really fault his father because of course he was a transphobic piece of.. poo and Patton would rather be dead than tell his father that he's trans. 

"Oh and of course, she's eating again! If you keep this up, the doctor will be right!" His father laughs. _Again?_ Patton felt a sharp pang in his heart, he wanted to pathetically defend himself - he hadn't even eaten today and he didn't do it yesterday either! 

But, his father has a point.. he binged last week. 

He shouldn't be eating this - it's one hundred calories! 

Distantly, he wanted to point out that the doctor his father was referring to was already right, he was already 'dangerously obese' ( _which, no, he absolutely wasn't. If anything, he was a bit overweight. But, y'know.. ED's_.), but the little piece of common sense he has left tells him not to.

Patton doesn't reply.

He walks to his room, and once he gets there, he tosses the animal crackers on the table in front of him.

He isn't eating those.

That comment did wonders for Patton's eating disorder. 

Before that month, he'd been eating regularly for the first time in almost one year.

He started slipping up and slowly, oh so slowly, seeping back into his disordered eating that month, and that comment helped finally push him over the edge.

Four months later, and his eating is still very, very unstable and so disordered it's almost painful.

He can thank his father for an uncountable amount of relapses, whether it be in his ED or self-harm.

Anyway, yeah, it'd be best if his father didn't know about his cutting.

Thankfully, that day wasn't the day he got caught.

That'd come later, but it was worse than what Patton thought it'd be.

Whatever, that wasn't his worry right now.

He shouldn't be so worried about himself.

He shouldn't be so self-conceded.

He should be thinking of other people.

He should be helping other people.

He should be supporting his friend.

It doesn't fucking matter if his friend probably doesn't give two shits about him, he should still be there for them!

Yeah, sure, his friend didn't care when he attempted suicide for the fourth time, and told him not to bother anyone else with it, but his friend has depression too!

His friend cuts too.

Why can't he be more understanding?

Of course they don't care! 

They're problem working so hard not to kill themself, they don't have time to care about someone as useless as him.

And yeah, sure, Patton is struggling too but if his friend was even considering suicide, he'd be more than willing to help them in any way he could. 

He'd be so insanely worried if someone told him they attempted to kill themself, especially if they were telling it to him the day after.

Even if he didn't even know the person, he'd think it'd be just a decent, human thing to do.

But that probably just means that he's not struggling enough.

That his problems aren't bad enough.

Yeah, he has been cutting for so much longer than his friend, and he's had depression for longer, and he's attemtped suicide four fucking times while his friend tried only once-

And fuck because now he's invalidating his friend! 

Fuck! 

He's such a fucking terrible, awful person!

How can someone be so disgusting?!

How could he let himself be so vile?!

It doesn't fucking matter how long you've had issues, if you're having them at all you're more than valid and you're just as important and valuable and deserve help as much as anyone else.

Fuck, how could Patton let himself think something so awful?

How could Patton let himself be so awful?

How could Patton let himself down like this?

.. how is Patton still alive?

He shouldn't be.

He definitely shouldn't be.

Someone as awful as him.. he deserves to be punished.

For so many fucking things.

He's fucked up so many fucking times it's unbearable.

Why hasn't he killed himself yet?

He's only made stupid, pathetic attempts.

And he's only done it four time.

Why is he such a slacker?

Can't he do anything right?

Can't he see that he should just off himself, and that it's better for the world if he's not in it?

Maybe not, but.. maybe he can start to.

Maybe he can start to make this right, to try and fix this and help out the best way he can.

Maybe, by getting himself stuck in this train of thought, he can finally start to see how everything would be better without him.

He can see it now.

He's gonna fix it, and it's gonna be the last thing he does.

( _At least he doesn't have to worry about venting to his friends now._ )

**Author's Note:**

> yeah you could tell i forgot where this was going bc i started it months ago so i decided to talk abt my oh so lovely father for a bit :)
> 
> also yeah i couldn't come up w/ a title bc in my notes it's literally just 'heyyu' bc fun fact i usually keyboard smash my note fic titles until i come up w/ one lol


End file.
